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Leaving Heaven

I'm not fit for the title of saint
For...I thrive with guilt and shame

I feel related to the fallen
I' better off forgotten

Because it's growing on me
This...abomination of self-centered pity

I beg for the removal of my existence
Father...I don't wish to be a disappointment

I can't stand my broken flaws
I'm unlike any other angel of god
A soldier, a warrior- is what I am not

So allow me to let go of my cross
Even though it's all I've really got
But I realize that I will always be a lost cause

Emptiness fills every single thought / Hopelessness is what I have wrought
A clouded path I now walk /  Reassurance can not be sought

Sorrow enveloped me
The pain inside just got too heavy
And grief overpowered me completely

I've been feeling so disconnected lately
Haunted by my memories
If only you could see

These wings were too much to carry was meant to be

I did everything I could have
With...the little courage I had

But I am one who really deserves to fall weakness is my own fault

So give my halo to someone more deserving
Because...I am going to be leaving heaven
In the end the light always fades

In the beginning it was not mine to take
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This poem is written for my project, titled- "The Prodigy's Suicide"
In volume eight: The Derevolution
Silent Faith
Silent Faith

My trembling hands
Don't want to come together

I refuse to feel weakness
Oppress the confessor

I will defy the defeat
Of my body and mind

The tears will freeze
I...will never cry
I was once told
That I have to be strong
But a child can never grow old
When reminded that every action is wrong

I didn't need to know
That strength was everything
I would have given up a long time ago
Because that is my hollowed instinct

Take back every single breath / Take back those moments I lived
I am not some stepping stone / I am not meant to have a torn soul

You can only push so much / You can only be the judge
I can choose
Plead For Release
Plead For Release

God, I hope I'm doing this right
I was never really one for praying
God, Please look at me in my eyes
I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry for everything
Even though I'm just another one of your creations
I wonder why I was born surrounded by destruction

I know nothing of your pity
But I still want to try and believe in thee
I crumble down to my knees
And I beg of you, please

Destroy every nightmare that I have ever slept
Break and shatter every mirror in existence
So I don't have to dream of what I've become to be
So I don't have to see what has finally become of me
God, I was never really one for confrontatio

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Critique by A-Boy-At-Heart Jan 31, 2013, 3:50:28 PM
You do have an interesting format with changes in italics, bold print, and font size and style. It makes each section stick out as if they were all short obscure individual poems that make much more sense when put together.

Your rhymes weren’t exact which shows a great sign that the content of the poem has not been spared for the sake of perfect ones.

There are a few lines that lack flow or rhythm. I will try to provide an edited version under the original along with an explanation why. These are just simply for consideration.

Fifth stanza, last line:

Original: ‘A soldier, a warrior- is what I am not’

Edit: ‘A soldier, a warrior- I am not’

Sixth stanza, last line:

Original: ‘But I realize that I will always be a lost cause’

Edit: ‘I realize I’ll always be a lost cause’

Reason: Simplification helps but the biggest reason why that line is kind of awkward is because the rhythm is thrown completely off with that long sentence. The edited version I provided is one I don’t really firmly stand by. It’s just an example of a line that would better fit that rhythm.

If you haven’t already found it, in the second to last stanza, fault is spelled wrong.

Now on to the real content

There is a possible logic error in this. In the ninth stanza, last line, you say, ’If only you could see.’ I picked up Christianity vibes in this poem since it is talking about fallen angels and there is one specific fallen angel that is rather infamous. In Christianity and in fact many other religions, the Supreme Being is all knowing. I’m not very religious so I don’t mean to cause any sensitivity. I just thought I’d mention it.

The narrator expresses such negativity that is felt with deep empathy by certain readers. Personally, I have spoken similar words, attacking myself before when life itself just feels like a burden. The narrator is very relevant and realistic to the times and many people.

Overall I did like this and your unique format caught my eye immediately.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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EBENEWOOD Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   General Artist
Love how he deserves his wings just because he's conscious of his faults, admit them and seems to be so disgusted by his condition......Deep and beautiful confession :sun:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I tried to take a different approach on the whole fallen angel concept. I wanted to go for a self-exiled type of feeling. I hope I pulled it off :P
Anyway, thank you, I'm glad you were able to enjoy this one. :D
EBENEWOOD Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013   General Artist
A pleasure! :sun:
realARTIZT Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
I was expecting something so very different- glad this was :)
I like the concept you developed of one who has fallen short and that feeling of never being able to live up to what is expected of them. Beautifully written :D
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. I'm glad that it defied someone else's expectations. Like I said to the other commenter- I tried my best to do a different point of view.

Thank you again, I'm glad you enjoyed this one. :)
SaveAceOfSpades Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow wow wow! Really beautiful! I love the whole angel falling from grace idea, but it's often overused. Darling, you used it in a different, darker way, and it worked for you!

Keep writing, you have a great amount of talent!
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for your kind words.
It's not my first time writing about an angel who falls from grace. I wrote a much more aggressive one last year, and since then I had a lot of material for another one, so I wanted to do it differently. With you saying that- it reassures me that I managed to do another take on it, but in a different way, which I was aiming for.

:) Thank you again.
SaveAceOfSpades Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem, I love to give credit where it is due, Sweet! I need to go read that one as well as I quite like your writing! The different take was definitely effective, and I give you an A on originality. :)

Keep up the awesome work, Doll!
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It's right here ---> [link]
I lost a fan over this one though x.x Just'll see x.x
midna27 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Student Artist
awsome as always.
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
^_^ Thank you.
midna27 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2013  Student Artist
FeatherBug Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013
:glomp: This is SO much better! I love the revision, everything flows almost perfectly! :squee:

I feel almost numb inside when I read this, it's pretty saddening. I honestly feel bad for being so happy about reading this. Please just know that I'm just thrilled about your works, and I'm proud of how far you have come. I hope I will be able to continue watching you grow, spiritually and as a writer. It is really inspiring and hopeful.

That all being said, I think that the rhyming pattern is a bit off. You have "flaws", "god", and "not". Then you have "cross", "got", and "cause". The third set all rhymes really well - "me", "heavy", and "completely". And finally, "lately", "memories", and "see". It doesn't sound bad really, just kind of threw me off track.

I didn't want to leave a full critique, so I'm just leaving you with some of my thoughts instead lol I hope that's okay. Overall though, you did a great job. I'm loving all of the revised pieces so far. Keep it up :peace:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm so happy that you enjoyed it. It took me forever to reconstruct this one. I didn't realize how long of a poem the first one was. But I have to say that I do like this revised version better. The first one was okay, but I think the point I wanted to get across got all mixed up during the process. In this version I hope I got it across more clear. I'm going to be doing a few more revisions on this account. The book is so close to being done, I can hardly believe it.

And about the rhyming scheme, I use this site, I think it's called slant rhymes? I's do rhyme words using words that 'almost rhyme' with one another. And yeah, it has helped me a lot, just for me to pull out an almost rhyme scheme, I almost never do full rhymes anymore, because it's too hard in a limited state. But yeah :P
Thank you! I hope to get in touch with you soon, I have this random prose I wanted to talk to you about.
V-e-r-b-o-s-e Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013
:'( You depress me, sir. Good job! I like sad poetry.
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, lol. Well......thank you? :'(

I depress myself so....I guess I should expect to put out that kind of effect on others. x.x
hermafrodite Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
i cant put my finger on it but i just feel dirty liek inside were i cant wash
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Sounds like an awful feeling :(
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Submitted on
January 19, 2013
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