Sta.sh
Leaving Heaven
I'm not fit for the title of saint
For...I thrive with guilt and shame
I feel related to the fallen
I'd...be better off forgotten
Because it's growing on me
This...abomination of self-centered pity
I beg for the removal of my existence
Father...I don't wish to be a disappointment
-
I can't stand my broken flaws
I'm unlike any other angel of god
A soldier, a warrior- is what I am not
So allow me to let go of my cross
Even though it's all I've really got
But I realize that I will always be a lost cause
Emptiness fills every single thought / Hopelessness is what I have wrought
A clouded path I now walk / Reassurance can not be sought
Sorrow enveloped me
The pain inside just got too heavy
And grief overpowered me completely
I've been feeling so disconnected lately
Haunted by my memories
If only you could see
-
These wings were too much to carry
Maybe...it was meant to be
I did everything I could have
With...the little courage I had
But I am one who really deserves to fall
For...my weakness is my own failt
So give my halo to someone more deserving
Because...I am going to be leaving heaven
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Your rhymes weren’t exact which shows a great sign that the content of the poem has not been spared for the sake of perfect ones.
There are a few lines that lack flow or rhythm. I will try to provide an edited version under the original along with an explanation why. These are just simply for consideration.
Fifth stanza, last line:
Original: ‘A soldier, a warrior- is what I am not’
Edit: ‘A soldier, a warrior- I am not’
Sixth stanza, last line:
Original: ‘But I realize that I will always be a lost cause’
Edit: ‘I realize I’ll always be a lost cause’
Reason: Simplification helps but the biggest reason why that line is kind of awkward is because the rhythm is thrown completely off with that long sentence. The edited version I provided is one I don’t really firmly stand by. It’s just an example of a line that would better fit that rhythm.
If you haven’t already found it, in the second to last stanza, fault is spelled wrong.
Now on to the real content
There is a possible logic error in this. In the ninth stanza, last line, you say, ’If only you could see.’ I picked up Christianity vibes in this poem since it is talking about fallen angels and there is one specific fallen angel that is rather infamous. In Christianity and in fact many other religions, the Supreme Being is all knowing. I’m not very religious so I don’t mean to cause any sensitivity. I just thought I’d mention it.
The narrator expresses such negativity that is felt with deep empathy by certain readers. Personally, I have spoken similar words, attacking myself before when life itself just feels like a burden. The narrator is very relevant and realistic to the times and many people.
Overall I did like this and your unique format caught my eye immediately.
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