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read later by Lightnin2011

Literature by clumbsyangel

stuff by donttuchme


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Submitted on
October 1, 2012
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Frozen Whirlpool

Somewhere...in the ocean
There is a whirlpool...that is...frozen

-
I no longer had anything keeping me bound to this world
You were my love, you were my chain, and my heart was a link
And I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing your face anymore
So my knees gave, as I let my thoughts break, and I forced myself to sink
-
Somewhere...in the darkness
There is a soul...which became faithless

-
All those memories down the drain
I feel the bitterness of hope
While my tears rain
I cannot cope
-
Somewhere...in the depths
There is a spark...cradled by emptiness

-
My pain will always remain in time
As I never wanted to let you go
But I still got left behind
Only to dwell in remorse
-
Somewhere...along the path
Came a point...where I couldn't stand

-
I knew there would be no moving on
And there would be no going back
Because I can't stand the thought
Of potentially losing any of that
-
Somewhere...in my mind
There is a time...when I loved my life

-
Never have I been this hurt
Feeling this massacre in my heart
This is a level of damage I haven't faced before
It's as if the ruins of my shattered core got torn apart
-
And somewhere...within the sea
There is a broken heart...that belongs to...me
There is no justice for lost hope
There is no redemption when one lets go
________________________________
"like" my facebook poetry page if you enjoy my work.
--> [link]
________________________________
Stock image - [link]
________________________________
This poem is written for my project, titled
"The Prodigy's Suicide"
In volume two: The Dark Rapture

Check out the one related to this one
It's titled "Oceanfall" --> [link]
________________________________
Check out my galleries below if you want to read more.
Watch me if you think that you might like my work.
:iconfeardomized: :iconhollowedsky: :iconchainoflies:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconyuukinatsumiyagami:
YuukiNatsumiYagami Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i love the whole thing but i especially love the ending with that impact
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Heh, well thank you so much, I'm glad the ending had an impact for you, because that's what I was aiming for! :P
<3
Reply
:iconyuukinatsumiyagami:
YuukiNatsumiYagami Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're welcome!! you definitely succeeded!=)
Reply
:iconxsavor:
Xsavor Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
beautiful ending <3
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, I tried to make the ending as best as possible :P
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012
Holy shit, this is amazing. I could really feel the raw pain in this, like it oozed out of the screen and wrapped around my heart and gave it an icy squeeze.
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the support! :) You have no idea how much that means to me.
And I'm really glad you liked this poem that much :P
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012
By "the support" do you mean butting heads with Thelema down there or just saying that I like the poem? :P
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Butting heads :P Yes.
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012
Lol, no problem. I just can't stand such massive jerkfaces.
Reply
:iconshin001:
Shin001 Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Love your idea about a Whirlpool being frozen, that would be really interesting, what kind of mysteries would be found inside it? And that really is my question.

Great job, great work, keep it up! :icongreatjobplz: :iconpunch1plz::iconpunch2plz:
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
^_^
It has a really complex meaning behind it. I don't know how much of a wall of text it would be. But the idea is simplified here in the poem. It's the words behind the words that remain a secret.

What is inside the frozen whirl pool....only a few know!
*gasp*

Thank you for the kind comment, it's much appreciated. :D
Reply
:iconshin001:
Shin001 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Welcome!
Reply
:iconpacharchar:
PACHARCHAR Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Woah, this poem is pretty deep.
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I tried to make it deep as the whirlpool.
:P
Anyway, on a serious note, I hope you were able to enjoy it. :)
Reply
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:iconsasorifan132617:
sasorifan132617 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
wow this is butiful and i love the poem
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :) I'm glad you were able to enjoy all I had to offer with this deviation. :D
Reply
:iconsasorifan132617:
sasorifan132617 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
you are a very good poet and drawer
Reply
:iconblackroseofthenight8:
BlackRoseOfTheNight8 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Student Photographer
Amazing love it. x)
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, I'm glad you felt that way about this one. It means a lot. :)
Reply
:iconmel-face:
mel-face Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist
The construction you used is interesting. You succeeded in keeping the reader's attention by breaking it up like that, and it feels like it could be a song. The imagery is also very strong and varied.
I know you already got a lot of comments saying that people didn't like it, so I'm not gonna give it full critique, but I would suggest you review your work more thoroughly in the future, because there are some sloppy mistakes. For instance, in the second line it should say "a whirlpool that is frozen" and "knee's" should be "knees" in the sixth line.
In any case, I this is nice, and you get your message through really well. Work on editing, and also try spending a little time thinking about rhythm, and keeping your lines more the same length. C:
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your keen insight. I made the changes that you pointed out. Just to be clear, I didn't get a lot of comments from people that said they didn't like it, I got a bunch of comments from the same person. I was just feeding the troll is all. I find it interesting that you said it could be a song :P Because I made up the lyrics in my head, and I told myself to try and expand on it, to make it into a poem. I try and edit it after it's uploaded, but I tend to miss some stuff, I try and not edit it too much, because if I do, I might end up just taking it down, and reevaluating everything. We all make mistakes though, right? :P

"In any case, I this is nice, and you get your message through really well."

About the lines thing, it's an ocd of mine, I hate having them the same, it needs to go in order- longer, medium, and short, or the other way around. I don't know where I picked that up from, but yeah...it's weird, I know.

Thank you.
Reply
:iconmel-face:
mel-face Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist
No problem. C:
However, he wasn't a troll. He was very angry and undiplomatic, but I understand where he was coming from. While the art and photography on the front page tends to be good, there is a trend of subpar poetry popping up there. It's usually poetry that is easily relatable to teens and preteens, has a distinct lack of literary technique, with a focus on (high school) social justice and heartbreak. Your piece very nearly fits that. Your imagery and construction raise it to a higher level, but your slight typos and irregular line length lower it down a bit. (I find it interesting that you did that on purpose, but I feel that it has a negative impact on the flow of the piece.) So, whatshisname got really pissed and yelled at you for something that is not your fault, but an annoying trend. I apologize for that.
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012
I don't think the irregular line length lower it at all. If anything I think it makes it even better. And the typos have been fixed, and I don't see how this is at all like the "easily relatable to teens and preteens" stuff you're referring to, so...yeah. No complaints here. :)
Reply
:iconbadgirl842:
badgirl842 Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012
*looks at picture* You divided by zero, didn't you?
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Shhhhh it's a secret!
Reply
:iconbadgirl842:
badgirl842 Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012
:icononionxdplz:
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is absolutely terrible.
Reply
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Look, dude, I am having the worst day, and this is about the 5th time I've seen this exact same comment from you, and I'm just sick of it. You posted this same comment on different pieces of mine, and to be honest, you are so narrow minded.

Please, just do me, and everyone else a big favor, and fuck off.

You elitist prick.
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
How am I narrow minded if I know the difference between good poetry and bad poetry? This is the same kind of generic, bland poetry that usually spawns from teenagers who are all boo hoo my life sucks. This is exactly like thousands of other poems that are uploaded to deviantArt on a weekly basis. It saddens me to see THIS on the front page, when other writers actually know what poetry is and never get more than a few faves because dA is full of teenagers who have no idea what real poetry is.

And it's not what you're currently writing. Not saying you won't get better, but this is absolutely sub par poetry.
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012
You are not being a critic. You are being a troll. When you say something is terrible and give no supporting argument, you are being a troll. When you claim to know the difference between good poetry and bad poetry but give no evidence of that (as if we lesser mortals are not worthy of your supreme knowledge of what makes good poetry), and furthermore imply that "good" and "bad" is objective (i.e. decided by you and you alone) rather than a matter of opinion, you are being a troll. When you decide to be mean when you could very easily (and a lot more effectively) get your point across by being nice (check out mel-face's criticism), you are being a troll. And you are also, as ChainOfLies said, being an elitist prick.

If you can't be nice, at least be a critic. And if you can't be a critic, at least be nice. We should all be able to expect at LEAST that much from each other. So if you can't do EITHER of those things, you would indeed be doing everyone a big favour by kindly fucking off.
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've given constructive feedback countless times. It doesn't matter, because I'm always told that "I can write what I want, and I don't care bla bla bla".

It usually happens because the poems lack the maturity their writers lack.

AND GOOD GOLLY, BE NICE
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012
So because some immature people won't accept your constructive feedback, that's a good reason to give immature and non-constructive feedback to every writer you encounter?

ChainOfLies responded positively to another person's constructive and respectful feedback, and as such it is not fair to assume that he lacks maturity. Don't let your cynicism stop you from giving people even a modicum of due respect.
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, modicum, fancy.
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012
Very mature. I take the time to respond to your argument, and that's all you have to say? Your only response is to mock my choice of words? Don't ever complain that I haven't understood you, then, because you clearly haven't even bothered understanding me. At least I try.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmuffinstealer:
MuffinStealer Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You know, instead of bitching and moaning about your extreme dislike for someone's poetry (Which wasn't made to please others, it was made for the writer himself), why don't you try a respectful constructive criticism to actually lend some form of a helping hand, so that he may improve if he wishes to? (Since apparently you are so 'wise') Instead of being that one negative jerk that makes everyone feel worse about themselves.

So what if things get on the front page? It doesn't mean one artwork is any better or worse than another, it just means that it somehow got a lot of attention. (And the sorting thing for the front page is screwed up anyways, so it really should matter even less)

Also, deviantART is for people of every skill level and age to create and post their pieces of artwork, and it helps them improve. It's not a place reserved just for those with extreme 'talent'.

If you don't like it and have nothing useful to say, say nothing at all.

Get over yourself.
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've offered constructive criticism plenty of times. Also, if the writer had written this for himself, then I'm guessing deviantArt would not be the best place to keep it hidden.
Reply
:iconmuffinstealer:
MuffinStealer Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
If you mean by 'plenty of times' as in the list of comments in Frozen Whirlpool, then I would say you went about it in a very terrible way. If anyone is ever to have any appreciation for what you say, it is best to not act like a 'superior godly being who knows right from wrong' as you say it. Insulting while saying how awful it is (To sum what you were saying up, a 'piece of shit poetry'), is in no way helpful. So what if you offered a little bit of constructive criticism? It's not like anyone will pay attention to it or use it if you are insulting them off the bat. (If you look above this list of comments, you will see that someone else had offered nice, respectful constructive criticism, and the writer used that to improve his poem)

Just because someone wrote or drew something for themselves, doesn't mean they can't post it to a creative art website. It wasn't meant to be 'hidden', (What is the point of writing poetry about your emotions if it is going to end up being hidden anyways?) it was meant to be shared, probably as a way of expressing his emotion in a place he is able to. (Especially if he is unable to express it in person)
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012
So just because someone made something that wasn't made to please others, that means they aren't allowed to show it to others at all? Then you're a hypocrite. Your comments here clearly weren't made to please anyone, but you posted them anyway.
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You didn't even understand what I said.
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012
"You didn't even understand what I said."

Once again, look who's talking.

I didn't understand you? Enlighten me, then. I doubt you will, since you seem to have an obstinately strong aversion to actually explaining yourself, but I've been proven wrong before.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconimmortalizedlies:
ImmortalizedLies Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're narrow minded because your taste in poetry limits you to such an extent. It seems this site is not fit for you, if you seem to despise it that much. It's as if every poem that is uploaded needs to be flawless. Well, let me break it to you, there is no such thing as perfection.
I don't see whats your deal with "teenagers" we were all a teenager at one point. Unless you're like one of those middle aged guys who think this new generation is all about being "emo" Yeah, we get it, you hate people who are sad, good for you. If this site is full of emo teenagers, then maybe you should consider deactivating your account, just to end your bitterness towards all of the thousands of poems that get uploaded on a weekly basis.

You can't put the blame on pieces that get popular, it's not the writer's fault that they get the faves, over some Stephen king wannabe writer that only get a few, no, every writer is responsible for themselves. All of those writers you're talking about don't need some white knight to go around and trash work that is not up to your "level" because, you know what? I don't want to be at your level, I want to be at my own level. This is the kind of work I WANT to produce. I'm not trying to get better, I'm just writing for myself.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but it's just that your opinion has gotten old.
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's like talking to a wall, it's quite fascinating. Me disliking this poem has nothing to do with my taste in poetry. I can appreciate the value of poems that are not my cup of tea in terms of style and themes. This is not the case. It's not about themes or style, it's about your lack of understanding over what good poetry actually is. Go read some Sylvia Plath, some Mary Oliver, some T.S. Eliot, and then tell me how your poetry stacks up next to theirs. It's a matter of having standards. Your poetry is great for people with no poetic standards. These are people that usually don't really like poetry, and lack the sensitivity to truly appreciate it. These people will like this, because this is what poetry is to them. But it's not. This is at the bottom of the pyramid.

And no, I'm not leaving deviantArt just because it's full of kids. If anything, they should leave, because this is deviantArt, and shitty anime drawings and generic poetry don't belong here.
Reply
:iconnorimori:
NoriMori Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012
"It's like talking to a wall."

Wow, look who's talking. The irony here is truly astounding.
Reply
:iconsumarlegur:
sumarlegur Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Is it? Is it really?
Reply
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